I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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