How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
