i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
