How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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