Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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