i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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