i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
