some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
