I wish they made helmets for livers.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
