Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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