Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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