i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
two words...techno handjob
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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