Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
