my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
