Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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