Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
