I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
