I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!