Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
