My liver just broke up with me...
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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