Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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