At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
