apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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