This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
As shirtless as possible
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
