Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
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Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
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You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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