so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
