i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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