Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
How external is "for external use only"?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
