When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
