Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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