I will die if light touches me.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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