dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
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I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
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I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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