Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
