I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
