My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
