I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
