Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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