how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
