how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
