Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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