there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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