The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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