Already got asked if we're dating
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
