Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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