I was born with a shot glass in my hand
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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