my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
