google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
