i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
pray to the hookup gods
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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