she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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