I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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