saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
