I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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