YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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