so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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